I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
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Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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