You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
