Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
