Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
