I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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