You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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