I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
