Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
