Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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