My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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