didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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