I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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