Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
