omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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