you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
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I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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