ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
