You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
