half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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