I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Randomize
