I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
