Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
