You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think I won the penis lottery.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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