Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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