blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
