the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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