I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Michael Bay diarrhea
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
