Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
