So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
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You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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