She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
