i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol