I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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