last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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