the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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