We're facebook friends in real life
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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