I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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