Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
