My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
this hospital has no fireball
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
