The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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