I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
