My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
