theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
And then he peed in my hair
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