But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here