then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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