The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
