Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
