It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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