I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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