he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
