I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
