WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.