i just wanna soil my oats bro
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
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Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
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What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.