thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?