i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
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its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
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Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.