You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My cat gives me a boner
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.