god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
