I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
