i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
